There is something seriously wrong with our society.
It isn’t just our overspending/ credit crisis.
It’s not only the educational system where we train our students to take standardized tests instead of bringing them up to be critical, creative thinkers.
It isn’t even Jersey Shore that I am talking about, though you can see the previous two points and they will ultimately lead you here.
I am talking about how we treat our pets.
This has been growing concern of mine as of late. Not as much of a concern as, for example, whether I still have any Goldfish brand cheese crackers in the cupboard, but it troubles me nonetheless.
Now, I am not talking about people who are abusive toward animals. I am talking about a slightly different class of individuals who treat their pets well. Too well. Owners who buy Purina Healthful Bountiful Organic Premium Kibble for Bootsy and eat store-brand “Macaroni and Cheez- now featuring 30% real noodles” themselves. People who took out a second mortgage on their home so they could pay for all of Mr. Whisker’s medical care: the pills for his arthritis, kitty cataract surgery, cat chemo, feline-pattern-baldness-correcting hair transplants, and pet psychiatrist trips where he can meow for an hour a week about how he isn’t feeling fulfilled enough. Seriously. Look it up on Bing. The only one I made up was the hair plugs.
This sort of behaviour for me is highlighted whenever I visit department stores. First of all, on a recent trip to Target (motto: the Wal-Mart you get dressed up to visit) I passed by the Halloween section. They had almost as many costumes for pets as they had for children. Some of the costumes for your dog that you may purchase:
A hot dog
Darth Vader
Princess Leia
Batman
Vintage Batman
Superman
Squirrelman
Princess Leia
Batman
Vintage Batman
Superman
Squirrelman
A velociraptor
Spongebob Squarepants (Nickelodeon gets a nickel for every item sold with his yellow mug on it)
A princess riding a unicorn
A jockey
A bullrider
A pimp (I wish I was making this up)
All of these costumes feature dogs on the packaging, because cats spend most of their time plotting how to best kill their owners while they sleep, so it is best not to give them a reason.
Now if you would like your dog to be more of a conversation starter as you stand around with the other parents, our Canine Costume Correspondent Chris Walljasper has come up with some timely dog costumes that are sure to get people talking:
Dressing up your pet for Halloween is a big decision, and one that should not be taken lightly. Before you go wrapping your Dachshund in a faux hot dog suit, or covering your Chihuahua in green yarn and calling it a Chia Pet, consider these timely pop-culture and political inspirations for your four-legged friend:
Maybe it is the uber-conservatism that Boston Terriers portray. Maybe it is the mild confusion that this presidential hopeful exuded during the 2008 election. Either way, the Mike Huckabee costume is the way to go for your googley-eyed pooch.
If you prefer to pay homage to the queen of the Russian guard, dress your pooch as a ferocious grizzly, and dress yourself as the Governor of Alaska, and show your true “Mama Grizzly” ferociousness. I guarantee you will be the most scary thing at the party.
For those Apple-Fanboy’s out there who are looking to pay homage to the late, great, Steve Jobs, there’s the iPooch. Be careful where you put the collar—it could affect your dog’s reception.
And if you want to dress your dog as the 44th president of the United States of America, I would not recommend the costume that this pooch has chosen. I would maybe opt for a simple blue shirt, and maybe a flag pin. And if you’ve got the fit, muscular arms for it, you can go as Michelle.
Chris Walljasper’s regular ramblings and rants can be found at his blog, Musings of a Renaissance Man in Training.
Links to places to purchase some of these costumes is found below, unless you are handy with a sewing machine, glue gun, and tranquilizers to keep your pet calm as you stuff it in a 3 piece suit. Then you can make your own.
You may have noticed, most of the photos have the dog models looking rather glad to be dressed as Spongebob, the complete opposite of how animals usually look when they are strapped into stupid outfits. I suspect that they aren’t real dogs, or at least they are taxidermied. I can’t wait until the Field Museum puts on their display of preserved falcons dressed as Strawberry Shortcake and Optimus Prime.
Just so you know, these dog costumes all have “for pet use only” stamped across their labels. This is probably because they don’t meet safety guidelines for flame retardancy in children’s articles or something. Once PETA finds out about this, pet costumes will be more flame retardant than children’s clothes. We can send firehouse-employed Dalmatians into a burning fireworks factory and they will come out unscathed, still wearing that Batman costume and trying to figure out how to get it off. PETA, of course, will also lobby for the dogs’ right to wear the costume the dogs prefer, like a giant can of Alpo.
Even when they are made safer, costume marketers will probably still display “for pets only” because they don’t want people to dress their toddlers as tiny pimps. People will, of course. At least he won’t be yet another kid dressed as Spongebob.
Happy Halloween
