Because of an event which I witness far too often, I really wish that I could post something like the following to a website like Craigslist or Ebay motors. This person is not me, but if it was, I deserve it.
FREE CAR
“I have proven myself time and again far too stupid to continue to be an automobile owner. As such, my car is free and open to anyone willing to take it.
Car is a greenish-red sedan of indeterminate make and model, but it probably was a nice car in 1989.
The reason that my car and I should be soon parted is that I like to park in a fairly busy parking lot in a commercial district before I go to exercise. In order to get myself pumped before I work out, I like to blast my Ipod through my car stereo for about 10 minutes, you know, to get myself adequately pumped and/or psyched. The music is awful and is all about smackin’ “hos” and dealin’ drugs. You know, work out music. Anyway, as soon as I have reached the point of optimal pumped-itude, I get out of the car, lock it, and look around me to see if anyone is watching. Then I put the keys behind the gas cap door, so they don’t smack my luggage in my overly baggy running shorts.
The car is free for whoever wants it. I am in no way qualified to own or operate a vehicle. You’ll be able to know which car it is, because it’s the one I’m sitting in, blasting my music and calling as much attention to myself as possible before trying to inconspicuously hide my keys in a really stupid place.
Again, the keys are in the gas door for ya. Title’s inside. I paid more for the stereo and Ipod adapter than I did for the car, so it’s a good bargain. I usually take my Ipod with me, so you’ll have to get one of your own. The gas in the tank alone is probably worth more than the car.”
The vehicle description has been changed to protect the idiot. Also, the language of the ad has been passed through a smart person filter, to reverse it to how the driver probably speaks, replace any word with 3 syllables with “f’ing” and add “know’t’m’sayin’?” to the end of every other statement. Ah, idiot mad-libs.
Question of the Day: If motorcyclists didn't add really loud pipes to their bikes, how else would we know we hate them from the comfort of our beds at 2 in the morning?
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Four Years to Go
One of the things that is irreconcilably difficult to do in fiction is accurately predict the future. From the dystopian then-future of 1984 (published 1948,) the book-burning of Fahrenheit 451 (1951) happens in the 1990s, and in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, the world is taken over by gorillas and chimpanzees in 1991.
Whenever someone says something negative about the 80s or 90s, just say, “Yeah, well at least we managed to quell that ape revolution. Now help me hide my books.”
It is fun to look back at some of the past predictions of future events. There is an entire artistic and social movement which does just that, examining the hopes of the future in a time long past. Retro-futurism is one of these movements, which looks at advertisements and imaginings, or imagines advertisements, of what the future would look like to a person from before the 1960s. It is an interesting thought experiment to try and imagine how a person from back then would view the future of personal flight, telecommunications, and more with only the limitations of the technology as it existed back then.
Themes start to pop up, like the more widespread use of zeppelins in public transit within cities, which to a person from 1935 the thought of dirigible-based city traffic is a very feasible thing. If we had, we would get a whole new group of excuses for being late to work. “Sorry, the 8:15 went Hindenburg before it got to my stop. I had to take my bicycle-copter to get here.”
Other, real advertisements are sometimes even more amusing, like wash-and-wear synthetic fabrics that you can supposedly shower or bathe while wearing. Or would that be wear and wash?
Another popular movement that goes along these lines, which I will hopefully not do injustice or incorrect explanation, is called Steampunk. This is an entire cultural movement based on these thought experiments, asking questions like “If I was in 1887, how would I build and power a robot?” There are dedicated Steampunk conventions, clubs, stores, and it was even featured in an episode of ABC’s Castle last season. People actually build robots that run on steam.
It is very much like the works of Jules Verne or H.G. Wells. Imagining and re-imagining current (20th/21st century) technologies with turn-of-last-century knowledge, tools, and parts. Computers are created with brass fittings and pneumatic valves. Cellular phones re-created with typewriter keys and a varnished wooden casing. Everything runs on steam power.
I am sure that some Steampunk aficionados will cringe at the mention, but the movie Wild Wild West (based on a 60s TV series by the same name) with Will Smith features a tremendous demonstration of retro-futuristic technology, like a steam-powered wheelchair and a giant mechanical spider that spews black smoke from wrought iron smokestacks. The original series, so I have found, features a great amount of ingenious retro inventions as well.
Much of the time, review of fictional predictions of dates now past produces a melancholy feeling. Much of the Steampunk and retro-futuristic imaginings are done tongue-in-cheek as a response to the disappointment of the modern world, the hopes of entire eras gone by have still not come to pass.
So, to finish up, I will go over some of the things from Back to the Future, Part II, which we do not seem to be on track for, and need to get cracking on. Things appearing in BTTF’s 2015 that seem unlikely:
Question of the day: Who do you have to register your flying car with, the FAA or the DMV?
Abstract thought: If we combined weed-eaters and metal detectors into one device, do either of those activities become more fun?
Whenever someone says something negative about the 80s or 90s, just say, “Yeah, well at least we managed to quell that ape revolution. Now help me hide my books.”
It is fun to look back at some of the past predictions of future events. There is an entire artistic and social movement which does just that, examining the hopes of the future in a time long past. Retro-futurism is one of these movements, which looks at advertisements and imaginings, or imagines advertisements, of what the future would look like to a person from before the 1960s. It is an interesting thought experiment to try and imagine how a person from back then would view the future of personal flight, telecommunications, and more with only the limitations of the technology as it existed back then.
Themes start to pop up, like the more widespread use of zeppelins in public transit within cities, which to a person from 1935 the thought of dirigible-based city traffic is a very feasible thing. If we had, we would get a whole new group of excuses for being late to work. “Sorry, the 8:15 went Hindenburg before it got to my stop. I had to take my bicycle-copter to get here.”
Other, real advertisements are sometimes even more amusing, like wash-and-wear synthetic fabrics that you can supposedly shower or bathe while wearing. Or would that be wear and wash?
Another popular movement that goes along these lines, which I will hopefully not do injustice or incorrect explanation, is called Steampunk. This is an entire cultural movement based on these thought experiments, asking questions like “If I was in 1887, how would I build and power a robot?” There are dedicated Steampunk conventions, clubs, stores, and it was even featured in an episode of ABC’s Castle last season. People actually build robots that run on steam.
It is very much like the works of Jules Verne or H.G. Wells. Imagining and re-imagining current (20th/21st century) technologies with turn-of-last-century knowledge, tools, and parts. Computers are created with brass fittings and pneumatic valves. Cellular phones re-created with typewriter keys and a varnished wooden casing. Everything runs on steam power.
I am sure that some Steampunk aficionados will cringe at the mention, but the movie Wild Wild West (based on a 60s TV series by the same name) with Will Smith features a tremendous demonstration of retro-futuristic technology, like a steam-powered wheelchair and a giant mechanical spider that spews black smoke from wrought iron smokestacks. The original series, so I have found, features a great amount of ingenious retro inventions as well.
Much of the time, review of fictional predictions of dates now past produces a melancholy feeling. Much of the Steampunk and retro-futuristic imaginings are done tongue-in-cheek as a response to the disappointment of the modern world, the hopes of entire eras gone by have still not come to pass.
So, to finish up, I will go over some of the things from Back to the Future, Part II, which we do not seem to be on track for, and need to get cracking on. Things appearing in BTTF’s 2015 that seem unlikely:
- Hover technology. From the hover-board to the floating skyway markers, we seem to be no closer to levitating objects without using balloons, sets of magnets, or rotors. This goes hand in hand with:
- Flying cars. Come on. We have been talking about this one for like 100 years. I have a computer on my phone more sophisticated than the ones NASA used for their first space launch, but we don’t have flying cars. You have four years. Someone at GM team up with that Dyson airfoil guy and get to work.
- We’ve come much closer in terms of television. In BTTF, their televisions could roll up like projector screens, though they didn’t use a projector. Let’s kick those flexible display development teams into high gear.
- Television glasses as well. Cut it out with the 3d revival. Just give us the image in front of our eyes and eliminate the $15000 television.
- Holograms. Granted, in 2015 we haven’t accomplished much, because the Shark still looks fake. Too low of a polygon count. But still, holograms. Work out the polygons later.
- Worldwide thumbprint identification. The cops know you by scanning your hand. With full body scanners at airports, and the fact that Google sees you when you’re sleeping, this is actually probably pretty close.
- Fax machines in widespread use. As in every room of your house, even the closet. They were popular in the late 80s and early 90s when BTTF was made, but their use is waning as businesses simply scan and email documents. Judging by the number of those we see on electronics recycling day, I doubt there will be many left in 4 years. Fax machines, that is. Not closets. Those can stay.
- Hovering robots that walk dogs and take pictures for the news. They don’t need to be self aware, but it is time to get them off of the carpet cleaning duty and out of the house.
- Self drying clothes. This is the other half of that wear-and-wash deal. Make the clothes dry themselves after I took a shower while wearing them.
- While there will be no Queen Diana, though there is a mention in the newspaper of the President being female. Vote with your heads, though. If Sarah Palin or Hillary Clinton run, I hope people have the common sense to write in the name of another female public figure they respect, like Queen Latifah.
- Mr. Fusion coffee grinder and garbage-fuelled compact nuclear reactor. That will end our energy crisis. We’ve already got the coffee grinders, what’s one more feature?
Question of the day: Who do you have to register your flying car with, the FAA or the DMV?
Abstract thought: If we combined weed-eaters and metal detectors into one device, do either of those activities become more fun?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)